Nightmares
by silsecri
Summary: My version of 'Pollo Loco'. What made Ben lose it? Complete.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: Not mine. Don't sue.

**Nightmares**

By lyra

A dark figure sped down the narrow alley jumping over the debris and rubbish littering the floor and the decaying shapes seeking refuge under pieces of cardboard trying to escape the chill of the night. The blurring figure that passed them was nothing more than another hallucination caused by hunger, cold and alcohol to them. But to the fleeing man they were fuel for his already terrifying thoughts.  
  
'Run.'  
  
The order flashed through his mind like a lightening bolt, leaving nothing but a raw need to obey. To be anywhere else.  
  
'Escape.'  
  
It was disturbing how much power these impulses had over him.  
  
'Hunt.'  
  
The new thought stopped him in his tracks. He squeezed his eyes shut, struggling to keep the memories at bay.  
  
The nightmares had plagued his nights ever since they'd escaped. At first mild and controllable, they had become as of late riots in his mind trying to rob him of his sanity. He used to wake up drenched in sweat, breathing hard and with his heart beating so fast he feared it would explode. The panic was so overpowering that his night vision failed to kick in and the darkness surrounding him only added to his terror.  
  
So he'd started running through the night to escape them. But never had they affected him when he was awake.  
  
And suddenly Ben feared it might be too late to be saved.

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TWO YEARS LATER...  
  
Seattle, 2020  
  
Max had been waiting in the church almost a whole day now, and still nothing. But she knew he'd come back, she would wait for as long as she had to. The cloth with the bloody teeth had been an unsettling sight. After all these years of seeing it in her dream-filled nights it was still something she'd rather forget.  
  
For years she'd been reliving in her nightmares her most horrifying experiences at Manticore, and some more recent but few things could be worse than that hell. It had been scary at first. She was used to the feeling of fear that accompanied them. It had been present in her mind all her life. But around a year after the escape her nightmares had taken a turn for the worst.  
  
Everything had a rather psychotic edge. The colors had become brighter and the shadows darker. The sounds were high-pitched and everything seemed worse than it had really been, which was saying something. It had made her really thankful that she needed so little sleep, and some part of her consciousness had always been a little bit worried she might be losing her mind.  
  
'It's a good thing I found people to help me.'  
  
At first she'd been reluctant to trust new people, Logan and his friends Bling and Doctor Carr. But after a few encounters with Carr she decided she could trust him enough to ask about her nightmares. After a little research on his part they'd come to the conclusion that they were caused by the Tryptophan she took for her seizures. Apparently it could cause you to have more dreams, especially of the scary kind, like night terrors and the like.  
  
Knowing what caused the nightmares had helped her to control her reaction to them. The fact that she wasn't going mad gave her the distance she needed to put between herself and the emotions the nightmares evoked in her. Not that the real memories weren't enough to torture her. But she could deal with those, in her own way. Which meant pushing them to the back of her mind while she was awake and giving them to her nightmares to reign over. And that they did.  
  
One of her worst memories was the exact one Ben seemed to be stuck in. 

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Ben entered the church holding the offering in his hand. His gaze locked on the figure of the Blue Lady, he didn't see anything else.  
  
'Please, let it be enough.'  
  
He walked slowly up to the altar of the woman who had dictated his actions the last two years with a mixture of feelings fighting each other for dominance. He despised and adored the Blue Lady in equal parts. She'd been his only companion through the lonely years after the escape, his refuge against despair and terror, and his only real connection with the siblings he'd left behind. At least he needed to think so.  
  
Then she'd started to haunt his nights and he'd found himself torn between idolizing her by day and fearing her by night.  
  
But now he'd been reduced to obey her and plead with her to free him. To let him be free. Of her.  
  
Ben stopped before the image of the Virgin Mary and put the cloth on the pedestal. He raised his eyes to the face of his angel. His own personal demon.  
  
'Beware.'  
  
Her voice rang through his mind. Ben turned around in a swirl of movement and came face to face with a dark haired beauty looking at him as if she'd seen a ghost.

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Max had seen the young man enter the church and fix his eyes on the Virgin. There was something in the way he moved, the way his attention was focused on the holy image that made her heart skip a beat. 'Ben.'  
  
She moved silently, stalking him. Not that it made any difference, Ben didn't notice anything in his state. Not once did he look around, checking the room for enemies and escape routes the way they'd been taught, nor did he seem to notice any other people in the room when he passed by them.  
  
Luckily, there were only a handful of people left in the church, and by the time she reached him they were already gone. They were alone.  
  
The moment she got within arms reaching distance of him she saw his whole body tense, his inbred animal instincts alerting him of her presence and an instant later he was facing her, studying her.  
  
She'd been readying herself for this moment, reminding herself every few seconds that he was killing people. He was not her beloved brother, the sweet child she grew up with. She was here to stop him.  
  
But the moment he turned around and their eyes met she only saw 'her' Ben. And the joy in his eyes when he recognized her almost brought tears to her eyes. "Ben."  
  
"Max."  
  
The sound of his voice, so unlike Ben's sweet childish voice, but that of a man's, broke the spell and everything came rushing back.  
  
"Ben, why are you doing this?"  
  
It hurt her to see the light die in his eyes.

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Ben had been ecstatic. It was Max. His baby sister had found him and he could feel some of the darkness surrounding his soul fading. But her question shattered any dream of salvation he'd harbored. The walls went up so fast it made him dizzy and he could already hear Her.  
  
'Run, Ben, she'll hunt you down.'  
  
"You know why." It was an accusation leaving his lips. 'You were there, Max. You know why.'  
  
'NOW.'  
  
Ben blurred out of the church and disappeared in the street. He'd heard her run after him. He knew he had to leave. The church, the state. Her. He looked around searching for an escape route but something caught his eye.  
  
He ran towards the building as if his life depended on it. He needed peace and there was only one place to find it. The High Place.

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The moment she stepped out of the church her eyes fell on his destination. She knew where he'd be headed. The Space Needle.

TBC

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	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Thanks for the reviews, guys.

**Nightmares - Chapter 2**

Ben stepped out the window and walked over to the edge of the metal disk. He stood there, balancing his weight on the balls of his feet while he watched the sun setting over the city. He felt empty. After so many years of being on his own, longing for the comfort his siblings would give him, every dream had come crashing to the floor. It felt like the bottom was falling out from underneath him and he felt his knees about to give.  
  
Startled at his own weakness he stumbled backwards and fell to his knees, only then realising he had been crying since the moment he fled the church. Ben had dealt with so much misery in his short life that he felt as if he could deal with anything fate wanted to throw at him.  
  
But the look in Max's eyes, shouting her disapproval at him, had broken through every wall he'd erected around his heart and soul for protection against the hardships that surrounded him.  
  
How could she do this to him? Wasn't she as relieved and deliriously happy to see him as he was to see her? Hadn't she been yearning for the rest of them like he had? Was he the only one affected by the loneliness and despair of fending for himself on his own for 10 long years after being sheltered by the presence of his siblings the first half of his life?  
  
He sensed her before she came through the window but he felt so boneless and desperate that he couldn't summon the strength to stand and face her.  
  
What else could she do to him, anyway? Hadn't she broken him enough?

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Max's heart broke at the sight she found. Ben was kneeling on the edge, his back to her, shattered. She could taste the despair in the air around him. She could smell his tears. She could see his pain, a pain so strong it made the air around him vibrate with its intensity, surrounding him like a palpable shield, trapping him inside.  
  
Max felt the need to touch him, to let him know she was there as much as reassure herself that he wasn't already gone, that she wasn't too late.  
  
She approached him slowly. She could feel he wasn't really able to move away from her but she needed to make sure he'd let her get close. She kneeled behind Ben and put her arms around him, letting her chin rest on his shoulder, and when he still didn't move she tightened her hold on him, anchoring him to her.  
  
"I'm so sorry, Ben." She whispered in his ear. She brought a hand to his face and tenderly wiped the tears from his cheeks. "I've missed you so much."  
  
Max heard him exhale shakily, the air leaving his lungs in a rush, and she felt him tremble for a moment before he relaxed and let himself be held by her. New tears replaced the ones she'd dried and he burrowed his larger frame against her, every fiber of his being screaming for comfort.  
  
Max clung to him as strongly as he did, feeling just as vulnerable. Every sob wrenching his way out of him feeling like a stab to her heart. She wished she could heal all the wounds of his soul, starting with the one she had inflicted hardly an hour ago.  
  
'I won't let you down again, Ben.' She vowed, stroking him tenderly, soothingly, almost inducing him to sleep. Max pushed him down gently and Ben went with the movement without breaking contact with her until he was laying on his side, resting his upper body on her lap.  
  
Eyes closed, his breath still ragged and his fists tightly closed, Ben tried to relax. He hadn't been held like this, or any other way for that matter, since the escape and the feelings it evoked in him were almost strange to him after so long. He could feel Max's worry and care, her love for him, in every touch and every hushed reassuring word.  
  
'I've missed this so much.' He thought drowsily before his mind shut down, exhausted after the emotional breakdown, feeling almost secure in the knowledge that Max was guarding him in his sleep.  
  
Max kept stroking him for a long while, feeling him go limp in her arms when he finally fell asleep. She felt tired and drained herself, but she had a lot to think through and she had the urge to stay awake, something inside telling her she needed to watch him to keep him safe.  
  
Max didn't know exactly what was going on. She hadn't even let him talk, the first thing out of her mouth a cold accusation. She had let her fear take over her heart. Max didn't want to think about the possible reasons for Ben's behavior. Something had to be really wrong with him to have caused his actions, and she was terrified she wouldn't be able to help him.  
  
What would she do then? What would happen to him if she couldn't find a way to help him? What would happen to her?

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_Ben was walking down a dark deserted street. No direction in mind, no reason to hurry, no one waiting for him. That realisation brought a flash of sadness paralysing in its suddenness and intensity. The sadness turned to fear in a heartbeat and his whole body ached with the need to run, just run. It felt as if his life depended on it. Ben needed to run as fast and as far as he could just as much as he needed his next breath.  
  
He reached the end of the street and turned left, hearing the stridency of traffic in that direction, and suddenly he couldn't see through the bright light aimed straight into his eyes. It was there one second and gone the next, taking the city away with it. The buildings and cars that surrounded him just an instant before were now trees and bushes standing in his way. Ben felt the change in the air but he didn't stop running.  
  
Jumping over fallen logs and huge rocks, dodging low branches, zigzagging between trees in a blur of movement, too fast to register even for him. He didn't see anything but a blurred stain moving past him. He couldn't hear anything over the thunder of his own heartbeat and the pulsing of his blood running through his veins. And then, as if suddenly registering the cold on his body, Ben realized he was no longer dressed in his clothes. He was barely covered by a thin gown, hardly enough to keep the chill of the night at bay. And his feet weren't clad in his military black boots anymore, pounding over leaves and dirt. He was barefoot, cold, scared and really running for his life now.  
  
All around him the snow painted the night white. And the night exploded around him in a tempest of flashlights, shouts and gunshots. The noise from the background roared to life drowning even his chaotic thoughts. Shouts everywhere, the blades of the helicopters flying over his head giving rhythm to his racing heart. The deafening barking from the dogs chasing him spurred his already frantic escape. He could hear them closing in on him. Every muscle in his body tensed, ready for the fight he knew was coming. He was shivering, breathing in sharp gasps, fighting for each gulp of air for his burning lungs, cold sweat bathing his body. It felt as if he'd been running all his life.  
  
'The Blue Lady will help me, she will take care of me.' It was the mantra Ben kept repeating to himself. He drew strength from it.  
  
The lights and all the white around him hurt his eyes. The beams of the flashlights were painfully bright and they were everywhere. There was no escape from them. No little hole to hide in.  
  
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Max had been holding Ben for a few hours now, but in the last minutes he had become tense again, small tremors running through his body, his muscles tightening and his fists clenching and moving as if trying to ward something off. His breath had become labored and his heartbeat was quickening by the second.

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_Ben kept catching glimpses of the soldiers through the trees. Sometimes far away, sometimes too close, forcing him to change directions. He felt more than saw someone running close to him. Someone fleeing, not chasing. Just like him.  
  
Ben looked carefully around searching for the figure and when he finally found him the man turned and looked right at Ben. Their gazes locking for an instant before the man disappeared in the mass of trees again. But the instant Ben saw his face he changed from prey to predator.  
  
A primal need to hunt this man filled his whole being, mixed with a blinding rage spurring him on. And with Ben's next breath the world around him changed again.  
  
It wasn't night anymore. The forest around him was suddenly empty, no soldiers, no birds, no dogs. Just Ben and his prey.  
  
'Hunt.' Her voice boomed inside his head.  
  
It was all his fault. That damned man had to pay. Ben needed to hunt him to make him pay for what Ben was, for Her hold over him, for what he'd become, for his weakness, for his..._  
  
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Max was now forcibly restraining Ben while he thrashed. She'd been trying to wake him for the last ten minutes while he'd gone from a restless dream to a full blown panic in his sleep. But she hadn't been able to rouse him from his nightmare.  
  
"Ben, wake up. You're safe." She kept repeating in his ear. She was now lying behind him hugging his form to her and calling his name, a little louder each time. "Come on, Ben, wake up."  
  
Ben's eyes snapped open and he shocked her off him, turning around in a blur, pushing her even further away while moving to stand and tower over her. His murderous gaze falling over her stunned shape still sprawled on the floor.  
  
By the time she'd shaken herself out of her stupor and had raised to her feet adopting a fighting, though defensive, stance he had already come to his senses, lowering his arms and closing his eyes, trying to calm his breath and heart rate. "Max," he said, relief coming through clearly in that one word.  
  
Max closed the space between them and touched his arm tentatively. "You ok?" She asked.  
  
Ben shook his head and hugged her. "No." He whispered against her neck.  
  
"It's alright, Ben. I'm here." She assured him, caressing his neck and hair with her hands, and his soul with her love.  
  
After a while, Max backed up enough to look at his face without letting him go. "Will you come home with me, Ben?" She asked him. Max could see the surprise in his eyes but she couldn't decide if it was because of the offer or because of her use of the word 'home'.  
  
"Home?" Ben asked in a small voice, clearing up her unvoiced doubt.  
  
"Yeah, I have a place, and a roommate. Who probably won't be in." She hastily added when she saw his unease at the thought reflected in his eyes. "We'll be warm and comfortable... so we can talk." She suggested tentatively.  
  
Ben nodded his head. He didn't have the strength to talk. He was absolutely numb by now, so he just went with her when she started for the stairs.

TBC

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	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Max opened the door to her apartment and stepped aside to let Ben in. He walked into the room and stopped in the middle letting his gaze take the apartment in. Max went to Cindy's room to make sure that she wasn't home, though if she was she would have already come out to check in with her. When she stepped in the living room again she noticed Ben was still standing in the middle of the room, looking down and fidgeting, clearly not knowing what to do next.  
  
"Ben?" She said softly. The last thing she wanted to do was scare him. He raised his head and looked at her. "Come sit on the couch with me."  
  
Ben looked at the couch and then back to Max, following with his eyes went she went to the couch and sat down. Max looked at him expectantly and Ben slowly approached her.  
  
She was sitting in one end and there was room for another person, but not much. It wasn't a big couch and Max hadn't made much effort to take little space. She didn't want to crowd him, but she didn't want him to feel deserted, either. This way he still had personal space but she would be close enough to make herself felt. By his side. She wouldn't leave his side again.  
  
Ben sat carefully, not avoiding her but not seeking her either. Max could see it could take a while to break through to him if she wasn't careful.  
  
"Are you feeling better?" She asked him, watching him intently.  
  
Ben could feel her eyes on him. Any other moment or person, he would have felt trapped and exposed under such intense scrutiny. But oddly enough he could almost feel her concern as clearly as her gaze. She was worried about him. And it wasn't the kind of worry he'd felt coming off people lately. The worry that came from not knowing if you were gonna see the next day. Max was worried about him, not because of him. He felt a small smile curve his lips. "Yeah, I think so."  
  
He was facing straight ahead, but Max saw the faint smile and it made her feel more relaxed and confident. It was far from over, but they were on the right path.  
  
"You want to talk about it?" Max said and immediately his head dropped and his whole body tensed. "Hey, it's ok, Ben. You don't have to talk now, if you don't want to." She reassured him, tentatively putting her hand on his arm. It jerked away in surprise. It was almost imperceptible, Ben had controlled the impulse quickly, but Max felt it. Still, she left her hand where it was and waited.  
  
Seconds later, she could feel him start to relax under her hand, and she ventured a small soothing caress. When he didn't tense again Max moved closer and put her arm around his shoulder. "We can just sit here and relax. We don't have to do anything you don't want to."  
  
Ben let out a small chuckle. He saw the surprise and a little hurt cross Max's face so he hastily explained. "That sounded like you were trying to get into my pants." His smile turned a little mischievous and Max couldn't help but laugh with him.  
  
"Yeah, you're right." She hit him lightly, rolling her eyes, but the smile never left her face.  
  
"It feels good to laugh again." Ben said, pressing back on the couch, forcing Max to move with him. He leant slightly onto her.  
  
Max felt him move and went with it. He lay his head on her shoulder, facing her. His eyes were closed but she could see he was awake, just revelling in the comfort a body close to yours can offer. She ran a hand over his chest, her head resting over his, rubbing slightly against it.  
  
They'd been silent for a long time, both lost in their own thoughts. Max, looking for the best way to help him and Ben, trying to gather up the courage to let her in.  
  
'If I can't trust Max, who is trying to help me and... loves me... who am I gonna trust?' Ben thought.  
  
"I don't know if I can explain."  
  
Max started with the sound of his voice, the silence permeating the apartment finally broken. She squeezed the hand she was holding in hers, but didn't say anything. It looked like he was struggling with his own thoughts and the last thing he needed was to be interrupted.  
  
"I guess it started almost as soon as we got out. Maybe six months later. At first it was easy to handle them and I could snap out of it by myself. But they only got worse. The more time it passed, the worse it got."  
  
He wasn't looking at her, his gaze was fixed on the wall in front of him. But she could feel him tensing more and more with each word. She resumed her stroking and almost immediately he responded to it.  
  
"They?" Max asked, needing to be clear on what he was telling her if she was going to help at all.  
  
"The nightmares." He said in a small voice. "I had them every night. And they got so bad I tried to avoid them by not sleeping at all. But that didn't really work. I was so exhausted that the moment I stopped moving I fell asleep and they started again. After a while I wasn't really sure if I was asleep or awake. I feel chased all the time. I don't really know how I got here. One day I woke and I found myself so lost..." Even he could hear the desperation in his voice. "I lost it, Max, I lost my north and I have no idea how to go back."  
  
He was crying again. Max had never seen anyone so broken. Not even at Manticore, when things had gotten so bad that even Zack was affected, no one had ever looked so absolutely torn and vulnerable, and Max felt her heart break for him.  
  
"I'll help you, Ben. We'll do it together."  
  
Ben turned in her arms and clung to her while he cried.  
  
Max held him for a long while, thinking about her next move. She didn't think she could do this alone. She had spent the last ten years looking out for herself and herself alone. All she wanted to do was hold him for as long as it took, but she had no real clue as to what to do to help him. She was going to need help and there was only one person she trusted enough to help her with this. Zack.  
  
She'd have to call him and break through this wall he'd erected around himself, convince him that they needed to stay together for Ben. She knew she could do it. Everything had changed now that Ben was involved, it wasn't just her that needed him. Zack would give in eventually.  
  
But Max knew what would be the price to pay for his help. Zack would insist on leaving Seattle.  
  
Max looked down at Ben. He had stopped crying but was still clinging to her, and she realized then that it wasn't such a high price after all, her family had always been the first priority for her, and she wasn't gonna let anything change that.  
  
"Ben?" Max asked cautiously.  
  
"Yeah?" He said, his voice barely a whisper against her neck.  
  
"I'm thinking maybe we should call Zack." He flinched a little and she continued. "Would that be okay with you?"  
  
"You've been in contact?" He sounded almost as disappointed as scared at the idea.  
  
"He found me a few months ago. I've spent a fortune in my search for you, all of you. But it never led me to anything. And suddenly there he was. Saving my ass as if he'd never left at all. He knows where the others are, or at least some of them, but he wouldn't tell me." She needed him to know she had wanted nothing more than find them all those years, that she wanted to be with them. With him.  
  
"Then, if you call him, won't he try to split us up?" He was torn between wanting to see his big brother and feeling ashamed of himself. But the thought of losing Max now that he'd accepted she wanted to help him was the more terrifying of all.  
  
"No. And even if I can't convince him when he comes and he wants us to split up, I won't do it. We're not children anymore. I love Zack and I want him here. But I won't let him take you away. I promise." She said passionately.  
  
"Ok." He said feeling his heart constrict at the fervor he could hear in Max's voice. She smiled at him and he smiled back.  
  
"Besides, he's almost used to me ignoring his orders. We've come head to head a lot lately." She said flippantly, and Ben's smile widened. 'Everything will be fine,' Max thought, 'I know it.'

TBC

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	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Max entered the penthouse and immediately saw Logan sitting in front of his computer. She knew this was going to be a difficult conversation, but it had to be done. Now that she'd finally convinced Zack everything was ready, the only thing left was saying goodbye to Logan.  
  
She certainly wasn't looking forward to it but the truth was that after dealing with Zack she felt like she could take on anyone.  
  
_"No."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Max..." The warning in Zack's voice was unmistakable. It was his 'do-as-I- say-or-else' voice. But this time she wasn't gonna take it.  
  
"Listen to me, Zack, because I'm only going to say this once." She said looking him straight in the eyes. "I called you because you're... Zack, and I think I'm going to need your help if I'm going to be of any use to Ben. But make no mistake. I am not going to bow down and obey your every order. I want my brother's help, not a CO." She could see the shock in his eyes and her gaze softened. "Zack, he's really bad. I know you're worried about us and you've done everything you had to to make sure we were safe. And maybe you're right. Maybe before it was the right thing to do, you know, keeping us all apart? But that's not the case anymore. Ben is so lost..." her voice caught in her throat. "He needs us. He's found some kind of peace, or refuge, or... something, I don't know, with me. And I'm not gonna let him down." She lowered her gaze, trying to put some order into her thoughts. "And I think he's gonna need you too." She locked her gaze with his again. "It might be hard at first. I'm afraid he's feeling pretty embarrassed, but I'm sure if we give him a little time, it'll get better. And then he's gonna need to feel safe, and that's what you've always been for us, Zack, our big brother, the one who's always kept us safe."  
  
They were silent for a long while before Zack spoke again.  
  
"Where is he now?" He asked in a resigned voice and Max knew she'd won.  
  
"I left him at my place, watching TV."  
  
"Alone?"  
  
"Yes, alone."  
  
"And what makes you think he's gonna be there when you go back?"  
  
"Me?"  
  
"We." Zack corrected. "When we go back."  
  
"I think if he's not there, then he's just saved us all a lot of time, because this won't work if he doesn't do his part. We can't tie him up and force him to 'get well soon'." She said sarcastically.  
  
Silence fell over them again.  
  
"He'll be there. I know he will." Max said, determination strengthening her voice.  
  
"So... how exactly is this gonna work?" Zack asked her.  
  
"I guess we bunk down with him and work on him. I don't know." She shrugged. "That's kinda where you come in." Max smiled engagingly at him.  
  
Zack chuckled. "Ok, we'll work on the details later, but first of all, before we plan anything else let's make this clear, we're not staying here." He saw Max open her mouth and he cut her off. "I know you've made attachments here, and you consider this place your home, but you can't help Ben here. You already have a life, and the little time you could squeeze for him wouldn't be enough. And, besides, he's killed here, Lydecker will be close and I'm not gonna let you put him in danger the way you're willing to put yourself. If you don't accept that, I'll take him away and you won't see him again, Max."  
  
Max's anger was reflected in her eyes. "First of all, I already told you that I'm sticking with Ben. No argument about it. And second, I'm not stupid, Zack, I knew when I called you that it meant leaving Seattle, and I called just the same. I know we have to go."_  
  
"Max?"  
  
Logan's voice brought her out of the memory.  
  
"Hey." She said.  
  
"Where have you been? It's been three days. I was worried sick. You haven't answered my calls or my pages-"  
  
"I'm sorry, Logan. I've been really busy." Max said, moving past him into the room, trying to avoid the look in his eyes when she told him. "I came to tell you that I took care of everything and..." she chanced a look at him out of the corner of her eye, he was studying her with a look in his eyes that she had never seen before. It made her falter for a second before she finished, "and to say goodbye."  
  
"What do you mean? Goodbye? Where are you going?" Logan sputtered.  
  
"I'm leaving, Logan. I'm taking Ben away."  
  
"What?!" Logan was shocked, righteous indignation flashing in his eyes. "I thought you said you'd taken care of it. What did you mean if not that you'd kill him?" The moment he said the words he wanted to take them back. He'd never been afraid of Max before. Not even when he'd gotten those pictures Lydecker sent him. But the look she gave him right then had him terrified.  
  
"Kill him?" Max's voice was dangerously low. "Tell me, Logan, in all the time you've known me, while I've been looking for my siblings, been reduced to your pet cat burglar so that you would help me, what exactly gave you the impression that I would kill one of them because he did something 'wrong'?" She'd been inching closer to him until she was towering over him, their faces mere inches apart.  
  
"B-but..."  
  
"What, Logan? But what?"  
  
"He's killed people, he's a murderer."  
  
Max stepped back, sighing. She'd come here dreading the goodbye part. She and Logan had been getting closer and she thought they might have something, but hearing him now being an ass she realized she didn't really know him and he sure as hell didn't know her at all. 'Kill him! Like I could ever do that.'  
  
"He's killed people? So have I, and you make me dinners and take walks with me. You even gave me my first present, remember? A gun." She pinned him with her eyes and he lowered his gaze. "What makes it worse for him?"  
  
Logan opened his mouth but the reasons that came to mind he knew instinctively she wouldn't appreciate, so he closed it again.  
  
"Listen, I didn't come here to fight with you. I won't even bother to. I'm leaving and I'm taking Ben with me. You don't have to worry about him anymore." She turned around and went to the door. Right before she stepped out she said over her shoulder, "you better worry about finding a new tool for your missions." And with that she left, leaving a stunned Logan behind.

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Max slammed the door behind her and leaned against it. Three pairs of startled eyes turned to look at her. Zack and Ben were sitting on the couch and OC was in the kitchen. They waited expectantly for some explanation from her but she felt too... she wasn't even sure how she felt.  
  
"Hey guys." She said finally.  
  
"How'd it go?" OC asked and the guys turned back to the TV, obviously thinking this was going to get too personal for them. Zack knew too well how things with Logan could get and he'd made no effort these past few days in hiding his opinion so Ben had picked up on it.  
  
"Bad." Max said simply. She walked up to the kitchen counter and hopped on it. "He was so..." She trailed off, not knowing how to finish, she hadn't decided yet if she was more mad at Logan or sad for the missed chance.  
  
OC, seeing her hesitation and thinking she knew what was going on, closed the distance between them and took her hand, squeezing it sympathetically.  
  
"...arrogant and hypocritical. I could have strangled him." Max finished, finally deciding she was mad.  
  
"Well, Original Cindy wasn't expecting that, boo, that's for sure."  
  
The guys also looked up, apparently not so disinterested as they wanted to appear.  
  
"I just... I don't know. I guess I expected more from him-"  
  
"I don't know why you would." Zack muttered, earning himself a glare from Max.  
  
"But it looks like I should have listened to smart mouth over there and cut my strings with Logan long ago. Specially after it became obvious he wasn't going to deliver his part of the deal."  
  
Zack couldn't help his smirk and Ben chuckled. In the two days they'd been all together he'd witnessed no less than five arguments between those two about their last encounters. He was surprised at how many there had been.  
  
"Zack." Max's warning tone brought Ben's focus back to the now. He exchanged a knowing look with Zack but neither said a word.  
  
"What happened? I mean, I thought it would be hard to say goodbye and all that. I can't think of a reason for Logan to be an arrogant hypocrite over that." OC insisted. She'd heard over and over again how Max and Logan 'weren't like that' but she'd always thought it was a load of bullshit.  
  
"We didn't actually get to the goodbye discussion. We got sidetracked on the way..." Max trailed off. She didn't want to go into it with Ben there. And she wasn't really comfortable with the idea of discussing it with OC. Logan's reaction had been an unpleasant surprise and she didn't think she was up to receiving the same look from OC. That would be so much worse.  
  
"It was because of me, wasn't it?" Ben's subdued voice resounded in the suddenly silent apartment.  
  
Max saw the understanding dawning in OC's eyes at Ben's words and she felt immensely relieved when she felt OC's hand tightening her hold on hers and she smiled warmly at Max, nodding her head in Ben's direction.  
  
'Damn Logan,' OC thought, 'how could he do that?' She watched Max approach the guys and sit beside Ben, putting her arm around his waist and resting her head on his shoulder. OC had been shocked when she'd heard Ben's story, but...  
  
She watched him now, leaning into Max and her heart went out to him.  
  
"Yeah, Ben. He doesn't understand..." Max wasn't sure what she wanted to say, "...but that's his problem. He's got nothing to do with us, Ben. We're all that matters." She finished ardently.  
  
Ben looked at Zack, who was reclining on his side of the couch staring at the two of them, and then back to Max. "I'm not sure I understand either, but" he went on, stopping the objection Max was about to make, "it's enough for me that you do." He gave her a small smile. "I'm sorry about you and Logan, though." His smile became a little naughty when he added, "I didn't mean to come between you and your true love."  
  
Max pinched him and Zack burst out laughing. "You know, I'm starting to regret calling you, Zack. You're a horrible influence on him." Max tried to keep the scowl, but hearing Ben's laugh was worth any Zackiness. She sighed. "We should really plan our next move, guys."  
  
OC took the chance to interrupt. "Well, OC's going out for the night. I'll see you guys tomorrow?" She asked.  
  
"Yeah-"  
  
"I don't think so." Zack interrupted Max. "We should get a move on tonight. The sooner the better, Max."  
  
"Yeah, you're right. I guess we'll leave tonight." Max said. She got up and went to OC. "So this is it."  
  
OC opened her arms and Max hugged her. "I'm gonna miss you, boo. You better keep in touch with me or I'll hunt you down and put the smack down your ass." She heard Max chuckle and she added. "And don't think I can't, no matter how genetically tinkered with you are." She let go of Max an turned to the X5s sitting on her couch. "Take care of my boo, will you?"  
  
"Like I need to be babied." Max snorted.  
  
"You heard the girl." Zack said in a mocking voice and Max glared at him.  
  
"We'll take care of each other, OC, don't worry." Ben cut off any further argument and Max smiled at him.  
  
"Yeah, we will." She turned to OC. "See, I'll be fine. And you take care of yourself, you hear me? Don't let Normal work you too hard. And keep Sketchy out of trouble for me."  
  
OC hugged her one last time and left the apartment. Max went to sit back down.  
  
"So..." Zack started, but Max cut him off.  
  
"Whatever we decide, wherever we go, I'm taking my baby with me so you better keep that in mind for any plans you make." She said in a tone that broke no argument.  
  
Ben started at this. "Your baby?" He asked in shock. "What baby?"  
  
"I'm guessing she's talking about her Ninja. Have you seen it? It's a beauty. I've had a few of bikes over the years myself, some really good ones, but Max's Ninja is the best I've ever seen." Zack's appreciation made Max smile.  
  
"Exactly, she's my baby. And wherever I go, she goes. So you either find a big truck where she fits or I'll just follow you on my bike."  
  
"You almost gave me a heart attack." Ben said. "So how come I haven't seen this 'baby' yet?"  
  
"It's in my room. We haven't been out much these days, and I wanted to walk to Logan's, have a chance to... delay the inevitable I guess." She said rolling her eyes. "Wanna see it?" She asked excitedly, all other thoughts out of her mind.  
  
Zack laughed at her. "Later, we really need to plan now." He said, finding amusing how Max's face fell.  
  
Ben winked an eye at her and she smiled at him. "Have you thought about a destination?" Max asked Zack. "Any preferences, any places off limits?" She said, including Ben this time.  
  
"Not really." Zack said. "I've been trying to decide between a crowded city where we can just disappear and a secluded location where we won't be bothered. I'm not sure what would be better for us. And of course it has to be somewhere you haven't been before, guys." Zack added, looking meaningfully at Ben.  
  
Ben lowered his gaze for a minute and then looked back at Zack. "I've been thinking about that, too. And I'm not sure either which one would be better. And that made me think of a place that meets both requirements. I've been there before, but it was almost right after the escape, long before... you know. Does that count?" He asked his brother.  
  
"Depends. Did you stay there or just passed through?"  
  
"I spent three days there." Ben said. "That was the longest I stayed anywhere back then. It was too soon. 'Keep moving in enemy territory', right?" He asked them.  
  
Max nodded, she remembered her first years on the run and it had been the same for her. She looked at Zack. Probably it had been the same for all of them. But Zack seemed to be the only one who had kept it up until now. "So where is it?" She asked Ben.  
  
"Vegas." Ben answered.  
  
"Ok, you got the crowds. How's that secluded?" Zack asked.  
  
"Well, not exactly Las Vegas. It's a small village in the outskirts of the city. Big estates and lots of desert all around. But the city is only an hour away." Ben smiled at Max. "Maybe less in that bike of yours."  
  
"You bet." She said.  
  
Ben turned to Zack. "Hey, you think I can get one of those, too?"  
  
"I'm thinking we're both gonna need one if we want to keep up with Maxie." Zack said. "It sounds good to me. Max, what do you think?"  
  
"I like the sound of it, and Vegas sounds good too. It seems like the perfect place to accommodate our 'night jobs', don't you think?" She said with a glint in her eyes.  
  
"Oh yeah! That settles it." Zack echoed her delight. Pulling jobs was a rush for all of them.  
  
"I'm sure we'll find a High Place, too." Max said to Ben. "I always feel better at the Space Needle. I'm sure I'll want a new one wherever we go."  
  
Ben smiled gratefully at her.  
  
"Well, then we leave tonight. You better go pack whatever you want to take with you, Max." He turned to Ben. "Did you have anything with you?"  
  
Ben thought about it for a second. "Nothing I want to keep. But maybe you will. I had quite the weapons collection, Zack, maybe there's something you want."  
  
"I'll take a look. What about personal belongings?" Zack insisted.  
  
"I didn't have much. We could just go 'shopping' before we leave, or on the way. I don't need much." Ben said and he and Zack turned to look at Max.  
  
"What?" She asked. "You think I'm gonna need 4 bags just for clothes and bath shit?" She scowled at them. "I only need a travel bag myself. It's not like I can't just steal more clothes when we get there." She muttered.  
  
"Ok, go pack then. I'll swing by Ben's place and take whatever I think we can use," Zack said looking at Ben who nodded at him, "and erase anything traceable." He stood and walked to the door. "I'll be back in an hour. Hour and a half tops. Be ready to leave by then. I'll bring a vehicle, too."  
  
"Be careful." Max said unnecessarily. This was Zack, after all.  
  
He just smiled at her and left.  
  
"You coming?" Max asked Ben and then explained at his enquiring look. "Well, you can woo over my baby and keep me company while I pack." She smiled engagingly at him and he laughed.  
  
"Sure, let's go."

TBC

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	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

They had been on the road for hours now. Just as he said, Zack had showed up after an hour with an old pick-up truck. Max, who had been looking forward to the long trip on her bike, glared at Zack and went to the back to make sure there was enough room to fit and secure her Ninja. There were two large bags containing weapons, Max guessed, and a few chains in a corner. And there were handles on the edges of the truck walls that showed clearly hers would not be the first bike this truck carried.  
  
Ben approached carrying both his and Max's bags. He told Zack that his bag was still upstairs, so Max went with Zack to get it. With three X5s available, getting the bike on the truck had been a piece of cake and they were ready to go in barely ten minutes.  
  
Now, three hours later, the three of them were silent while Zack drove them south. Ben couldn't help but feel at peace. It was the first time in ten years he didn't feel alone and out of place. Deep down he knew that this was where they belonged. Together. And he knew Max felt the same. They had been designed to be soldiers using animal DNA, and both soldiers and animals belonged in large groups. Soldiers fought in units, and animals lived in packs. Ben was convinced it was coded in their DNA, this pull to be together. It wasn't in them to be comfortable being on their own for so long. God it felt like forever to him.  
  
Ben looked at Max. She was looking out the window, softly humming to herself. Or maybe she was doing if for them? She looked so peaceful, as content as he felt. He turned to Zack then. He was staring straight ahead, concentrating on his driving, constantly alert. Ben could almost hear the wheels turning in his head, deciding upon routes, thinking over their plans, making up believable cover stories... it made him feel safe.  
  
It was such a new feeling, one he had only started feeling in the last two or three days, that it still took him by surprise.  
  
The problem was that this newfound peace and comfort was breaking down his protecting wall, his last defence against sleep. Ben felt sleepy. And the last thing he wanted to do right now was sleep. He didn't want this to end. And he knew the moment he closed his eyes 'they' would be back.  
  
Max had been watching Ben out of the corner of her eye for a long while. They'd been listening to the radio for a while at first. But after the first hour or so had passed Max noticed Ben relaxing slightly, and she'd wanted to give him the chance to fall asleep, so she'd turned it off. She didn't say anything, just did it and then went back to look out the window. And she'd started humming softly for him.  
  
Since then she'd been unobtrusively checking Ben's state by shifting position every so often, brushing her body against his. He hadn't take long to relax, she didn't even need to touch him now, it was written all over his face how sated and comfortable he felt. And she could also read in his face how tired and sleepy he was. He was struggling to keep his eyes open.  
  
She turned to him. "Ben." Max called him softly. When he looked at her she leaned in and told him. "It's ok, Ben, sleep." His eyes widened slightly with the mere mentioning and she grabbed his hand. "You haven't slept since the Space Needle. You need to rest. We're right here with you. Nothing's gonna happen."  
  
Ben glanced swiftly at Zack and then leaned even closer to Max. "I'm scared." He whispered.  
  
It was really soft, but more than enough for all three to hear and Ben knew it.  
  
For a long while no one said anything. Ben waited for Zack's reaction. It was one thing to know your brother was in trouble, and most likely scared. But it wasn't the same as witnessing just how terrified and weak he really was. And this was Zack.  
  
Max wanted to reassure Ben that everything would be ok, but she understood his need for Zack's reassurance, too. If he was going to be of any help at all, Zack needed to be there for Ben, he had to be at ease with the knowledge that Ben was broken, fragile and afraid, and needed to be put together with their help. It wouldn't work otherwise.  
  
At last Zack spoke. "I know you are, Ben." He said without letting his eyes off the road. But his tone wasn't reproaching nor accusing. "But you're safe now. Go to sleep. We will be here if you need us."  
  
Ben exhaled loudly and returned Max's smile. She reclined over her window and opened one arm invitingly. Ben hesitated for a second and then laid his head on her shoulder and hugged her waist, finally closing his eyes and silently praying the nightmares wouldn't come.  
  
Max looked worriedly at Ben and then over his head, at Zack. He looked back at her and after watching Ben for a second turned his head back to the road.  
  
"Thanks, Zack." Max said softly once she felt Ben relax in her arms. "He really needed that."  
  
"Yeah, I know." Zack was silent for a long while before he added. "We'll work on that, Max, don't worry."

TBC

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	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

Max left the house and walked toward the adjoining building. It was a huge open space used as a gym, with a small garage in the back. She stopped midway and watched Ben and Zack through the window. She was on her way to work and it had become a habit now to stop for a moment outside this window to soak up the sight her two brothers presented.  
  
'Habits.' Max mused, 'it's strange how fast the small things we enjoy become rituals for us.'  
  
They'd been in this house just over three weeks, but they'd fallen in an easy pattern very fast. Finding jobs hadn't been hard. With her looks the casinos had been fighting over her. She was the newest croupier in the most fashionable casino in Las Vegas. She worked the nights and stayed with Ben during the days.  
  
Zack spent the days scouting targets for heists, checking up on the rest of their siblings, working out... and the nights, he kept Ben company. The nights she was off, Zack went to the city and pulled the jobs he'd been preparing and she was the one who stayed with Ben.  
  
He still didn't sleep through the night, he'd gotten used to taking naps during the day. When he was feeling particularly safe he chanced resting and sleeping for a while. They'd discovered that if he didn't sleep for too long he could get some rest and not be assaulted by the nightmares.  
  
Well, Ben still had them, it was just the way their brains worked, but he was starting to control the really terrifying ones. Ben didn't always see it but Max was sure it was happening. And what they were doing now helped him with it.  
  
Max focused her gaze back in the two figures in the middle of the spacious room. They were moving in sync, with a grace born from their feline DNA and a concentration bred into them the hard way. They were separated by a few feet and their movements mirrored each other's. The kata they were doing now wasn't familiar to her. It must be one Zack had learnt during his years on the run. He'd been keeping up his training, learning every martial art he could and revising constantly what they'd been shown while at Manticore.  
  
It hadn't surprised her at all. While she'd made good use of what she learned at Manticore for her catburglar stunts, she hadn't wanted to even think of furthering her training. All she wanted was a normal life. But it was no surprise Zack hadn't been the same. He'd been still their CO after all, at least that's what he saw himself as. And anything that helped him in his mission was useful to learn.  
  
Max fixed her attention on Ben. He looked so peaceful, concentrating on his breathing and his next move... This was really good for him.  
  
She turned around and went to the garage to get her bike. The first time she'd seen them training she had been mad at Zack. She didn't think bringing Ben's mind back to training and soldiering was a good idea. But Zack had explained that it had nothing to do with Manticore or soldiering. It was about Ben, and Ben alone. Tai-chi and the other disciplines he'd combined in the katas he was showing Ben helped to center one's energy in themselves. It was mostly about Ben's control over his own body, and through that over his own traitorous mind.  
  
And then Max had wanted to learn them too, and train with them. Zack hadn't told her 'no' but she realized when he left without saying 'yes' either, that he thought it wasn't a good idea. Pushing aside her hurt, she tried to put herself in Zack's place and then in Ben's. What she'd realized was that it was something that bonded Ben and Zack and they needed that. Ben needed that.  
  
The next day Max asked Zack if he'd show her when Ben was sleeping and Zack's honest smile and quick 'yes' had reassured her she'd made the right decision.  
  
Locking the garage door behind her, Max revved up her bike and left for the city, leaving a cloud of dust in her wake.

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Zack caught Max's shadow in the window with his peripheral vision in the middle of a turn. He knew she'd be there. She always was. He was glad these training sessions hadn't put a strain on their relationship. He was all for Max keeping up her training but these particular sessions were for Ben.  
  
Zack stopped in the middle of the kata and watched Ben. At first, Ben had been reluctant to the idea. Not that he didn't want to train, any kind of activity, physical or otherwise, was good to keep himself occupied. But he didn't think this was going to be of any help to him. They'd discussed it at length, and eventually Zack convinced Ben that it would be good for him.

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Ben concentrated on his body. Every movement totally controlled. The only thing on his mind was the next move he had to make. It had been a long, long time since he'd trained for the sake of training, since he'd felt the rush of adrenaline his body produced to meet his needs. He'd forgotten how good it felt to push yourself to your limit and have your body respond just the way you wanted it to. Zack had been right, this was good for him. They made katas for a while and then sparred, and with that his two more pressing needs were met.  
  
The katas were just what he needed to focus. He had felt out of control for so long that it had been quite the surprise to realize he could still command his own body, have it do as he wanted.  
  
The first few days he'd been too keyed up to concentrate and all his moves were a second too late, right behind Zack's. It had only made him feel worse. After all, he was an X5, raised to do this kind of thing. The growing frustration had became anger and he'd been about to explode when that realization had scared him and he'd been paralysed. Zack had been watching him closely, and seeing him frozen, had stopped and waited for Ben to talk.  
  
That was one thing both he and Max had gotten used to do, they never crowded him, whatever happened they waited for Ben to be ready to talk. When Ben felt ready to move again, he'd just picked the kata where he had stopped and continued. He knew Zack wanted him to talk but Ben felt it wasn't the moment then.  
  
The two of them finished the sequence and came to a halt and with the next breath they adopted a fighting stance and started circling each other, waiting for an opportunity to strike.  
  
Sparring with Zack was like nothing he'd ever done before. It was different from the training fights back at Manticore, there weren't any guards breathing down their necks, watching them closely waiting for the tiniest mistake to punish them. And it was different from any kind of 'fighting' he'd done while on the outside.  
  
Here with Zack, it wasn't a fight to the death. And that didn't mean they didn't put everything they had into the fight. Because they did. It was just more of a competition. They tried to overpower each other, gain the upper hand over their adversary, but it all had an easy-going tone. It wasn't strange for one of them to comment on a good move made by the other. Zack even teased him when he pinned Ben down especially fast.  
  
By the time they were drenched in sweat and their breathing was labored they'd been going at it for almost three hours. Ben saw an opening in Zack's defense and lunged forward. It had been a really small gap and Zack, immediately realizing his mistake, was already on his way to rectify, but Ben got there a fraction of second before. With Zack effectively pinned down, Ben rolled onto his back and stayed down, putting an end to the day's training.  
  
Ben's voice broke Zack out of his musings. "What if I can't control this?" Ben said, his voice wasn't loud but the graveness of his words resounded heavily in the silent huge room.  
  
Zack remained silent, letting Ben get it out of his chest.  
  
"What if I can't ever go out on the street on my own again for fear of snapping and losing it?" Ben turned to look at Zack. "I'm tired of being weak and scared, Zack. I'm tired of living in fear."  
  
"You don't have to. You will control them. I know you've been out of it for a long time but you're getting control of your life back, now. You are in charge of yourself, mind and body. 493, not-"  
  
"I don't want to be 493 anymore, Zack." Ben cut him off. "I don't want to be a killing machine again. Didn't we leave that place so that we didn't have to be their pets anymore?" He demanded.  
  
"You ARE 493." Zack responded fiercely, standing up. "It doesn't matter if you answer to the number or the name, Ben, that's who you are. And it doesn't have anything to do with Manticore or killing people. You were genetically engineered. Designed to be perfect. And I'm not gonna let you be ashamed of that fact. To hell with everyone else. You can't hate yourself for being 493 any more than you can hate yourself for having dark blond hair and green eyes. You have to learn to distinguish between Manticore and us, Ben." He paused. "That's something we all have trouble believing, Max isn't there yet, either. But you both need to realize that we are who we are and there is no way of changing that. And I really don't see a reason why you would want to."  
  
Ben gave Zack and incredulous look. "You don't?"  
  
"No." Zack said matter-of-factly. "What, you don't enjoy running faster that anyone else, or jumping higher, being stronger, having that face and body? Being far smarter than the masses around you?"  
  
Ben couldn't deny this so he said nothing. And Zack, having said what he needed to, for now, sat down again next to Ben. Their backs to the wall and their legs straight in front of them. They were silent for a while, reflecting on their conversation.  
  
A memory flashed into Ben's mind and he pushed it to the back of his mind, not ready to deal with it, replacing the unwelcome image with a more recent one of Max looking him in the eyes and fiercely promising that everything would be fine, that he could 'beat this bitch'. His sister's words brought a small smile to his face.  
  
"I don't want to disappoint Max." Ben said softly, grabbing Zack's attention. "She's been so great with all this. Never leaving me. She has so much faith in me... I don't want to fail her." He finished.  
  
Zack looked at Ben, his look as serious as Ben could ever remember it. "I have faith in you, too, Ben. I know you can get through this and come out the winner on the other end. And I'm not gonna let you either." Ben's eyes told Zack how much his words meant to his brother, and he decided it was time to lighten the mood. "Just because I don't touch you all the time or look at you as if you're the most beautiful thing I've seen in my life doesn't mean I don't care." Zack said, trying to keep a straight face.  
  
Ben chuckled and punched him in the shoulder. "Jerk." He said, amusement clear in his eyes and Zack congratulated himself.  
  
Just then the door slammed open and they turned to see Max in the entrance. Zack and Ben looked at each other and burst out laughing.  
  
"What?" Max asked offended, forgetting for an instant why she was back so early.  
  
Suddenly the guys stopped laughing and fixed their eyes on her, effectively bringing her back to her initial purpose.  
  
"Guys, I have a small problem and I'll be gone for a few days, ok?" But they weren't looking at her anymore. They had sprung to their feet and were facing off. "Hey, knock it off! I'm gone now so forget it." She turned around and grabbed the bag she'd left just outside the door, jumped on her bike and sped away, hoping once she left the house Ben and Zack would get their bearings back and not come to blows. She'd been careful to pay attention and had left at the first symptoms. Her pheromones couldn't have been strong enough to be too overpowering.  
  
The moment she was out of sight, Ben and Zack shook their heads to clear them and then looked at each other. Ben had a confused expression on his face and Zack had to laugh.  
  
"She's in heat." He said simply.  
  
Ben was shocked for an instant and then a knowing expression overcame his face. "As absolutely senseless as that sounds it actually makes sense, a Manticore twisted sick kinda sense, but sense nonetheless." He said. "So... we would've kicked each other's ass for her, huh? That would have made for a hell of an awkward morning after." Ben said smiling.  
  
"Yeah, tell me about it." Zack said softly, almost unconsciously, and Ben looked at him surprised. "Jondy." Zack said as an explanation and turned around, clearly not wanting to dwell on it.

TBC

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	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

Ben was lying on his bed. Three weeks of continuous work and training had him pretty much exhausted all the time. Which was exactly the point, of course. He'd been constantly working through the mess his life had become. Every other day he talked to Max or Zack, whoever had watch at the time, about his inner demons. They would listen to him and when he had shared part of his burden they talked about it, trying to see if there was something they could use to help him from the experience.  
  
That was how his bedroom's walls had become a soft yellow instead of the bright white they were when they got there, because they had realized that waking up from a nightmare to an environment wholly white, specially when the nightmare had been framed in the night of the escape, didn't help at all to calm him.  
  
That was just an example. Zack and Max were doing everything they could for Ben.  
  
Well, right now it was just Zack. Max still hadn't come back from wherever she'd gone two days ago when she went into heat.  
  
That had been a surprise, and not of the good kind. Just thinking of what would have happened if she hadn't left in time gave him the willies. However good it might have been to give into the urge to beat Zack and take Max... actually, just the thought brought a growl to his lips. But it would have been a mistake. Ben had never felt his instincts so close to the surface nor so overwhelmingly driving. Not even his urges to kill, and it had only been a momentary feeling thanks to Max's hasty retreat. He couldn't imagine what would have been like if she hadn't left.  
  
His eyelids felt heavier with every passing second and Ben knew sleep was about to overtake him.

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Zack entered Ben's room and went to the bed. Ben was jerking around and making unintelligible sounds. Zack approached him carefully. It wasn't the first time one of them had to wake him up from a nightmare and Ben always needed a moment to realize he was safe and sometimes he lashed out in the meantime. It happened less and less with every passing day but Ben still had them.  
  
"Ben." Zack called him in a stern voice, trying to break him out of his nightmare. "Ben, wake up."  
  
Ben's eyes snapped open and he pounced on Zack so fast it took the older X5 a second to register it. Zack pushed Ben off of him and stood quickly, turning on his heels to keep Ben in sight.  
  
Ben was still on the floor, almost on his fours and his eyes were fixed on Zack, but they weren't focused. They were glazed and wide, unseeing, and even though Zack was the target, he knew Ben wasn't seeing him at all.  
  
Ben growled and attacked again, his arms wide open and his teeth showing. Knocking Zack over, they both went down, with Ben on top pinning Zack with arms and legs, his head lunging forward with an obvious target, Zack's jugular.  
  
Zack slipped out of Ben's grasp with practised ease, Ben's state of mind wasn't really helpful for his technique, and using his legs as leverage he pushed Ben off with all his might.  
  
Ben went flying over the bed and crashed against the wall across the room, sliding down to the floor where he remained still. The powerful his snapped him out of his haze and he stayed completely frozen, recuperating his breath and forcing his body to relax. A few minutes of tense silence later he raised his head and looked at Zack who had gotten to his feet and was leaning on the wall watching him.  
  
"Sorry." Ben said lowering his gaze again. "I... I didn't..." He trailed off not knowing what to say.  
  
"It's okay, Ben." Zack said walking toward Ben and offering him his hand. Ben took it and stood, not looking at Zack. "Come on, I have something for you." He started to walk out of the room and said over his shoulder, "Come with me."  
  
Zack left the room and went to their study, once there he motioned for Ben to sit on the couch and he did. Zack went to the bookcase and took a book.  
  
"I have the nightmares, too, you know?" Zack said, his back to Ben. "I'm not sure why they affect you so much more than the rest of us, but we all have them." Zack turned and looked at Ben, but he wouldn't meet his eyes. Zack walked to the couch and sat down beside Ben.  
  
"Maybe there's something really wrong with me." Ben said.  
  
"I don't know, Ben. Maybe. Or maybe you just needed the structure Manticore represented more than us, or you were too..." Zack searched for a word that didn't sound too accusing to his brother, "...sensitive for that place."  
  
Ben made a face at his brother's choice of word but he said nothing.  
  
"The point is that I had the nightmares, too. Dark and suffocating, and I used to wake up not knowing where I was or how I got there." Zack paused, he wanted Ben's complete attention and he could see how his word's had made his brother's focus go inwards for an instant before he forced himself to listen again. "The worst one was when I went back to that day in the woods." He didn't have to say anything else, they both knew what he meant. "We've been through worse. After all, none of us suffered any physical torture, or punishment, we weren't taken for experimentation to the labs, nor put on the tanks... But that day was different. The horror of that day came from within us and that made it the worst experience I had at Manticore. There was no guard hurting us, no Lydecker egging us on... it was us. Just us."  
  
Ben closed his eyes fighting the rush of images that flooded his mind.  
  
_The whole unit running through the woods, chasing a man running through the woods, looking over his shoulder. He fires at them; they duck briefly and then resume running. The man climbs up a slope. Zack kicks the gun out of his hand. The man draws the knife. Ben kicks the man; the knife flies out of his hand and he falls to the ground. As the other kids gather around, Ben grabs the man's shirt and opens it to reveal a tattoo on his chest. The tattoo is of a heart being pierced by a knife and bleeding. The kids back away slightly, stunned.  
  
"He's a Nomalie." Ben says.  
  
The kids yell and start beating him. Their yells and his screams ring through the forest.  
_  
"Sometimes I think that we never should've left. Everything made sense there."  
  
"No. Nothing made sense there." Zack said firmly. "You have to let go of all that, Ben."  
  
Ben lowered his voice so much Zack had to strain his ears to hear him. "I'm a good soldier. I try so hard."  
  
"I know." Zack assured him.  
  
"It was the most exhilarating day of my life. For one brief moment, we were what we were meant to be... predators. I think we even scared Lydecker that day. I remember watching that man run off into the woods... how long it seemed for Lydecker to count down the seconds. He never had a chance." Ben shook his head. "I wake up with the sound of my heart pounding in my ears, and the taste of his blood in my mouth. And I feel like I'm a wolf in sheep's clothing, hiding my instincts, every minute of every day, so no one will know what I really am. A soldier... a hunter... a killer. And I just have to act."  
  
"Yeah, I know. And that makes it all the worse. It was the same for me. I woke up and I had to fight my own nature. I didn't want to be that. I was terrified that was what I really was inside. So I went looking for answers."  
  
Ben's expression was one of confusion and Zack smiled.  
  
"I know, it's not like I could just go to Manticore and ask nicely for their help." Zack said amused. "I meant that I started reading all I could find about different things. Behaviorism, mental manipulation, military environment and its effects, animal behaviour... There are lots of studies on related topics, like Feral Children and such. Some of those studies mentioned a book, a novel, and out of curiosity I read it."  
  
Zack gave the book to Ben and he took it, reading the title. "_The Lord of the Flies_ by William Golding." He said aloud and looked at Zack.  
  
"You should read it." Was all Zack said and he got up and left the room.

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Please review


	8. Chapter 8 & Epilogue

**Chapter 8**

Max entered the house and went directly to her room. She was exhausted. Heat always sucked all her energy with all the push-ups and cold showers and all the other things she had to do to keep herself from jumping the first guy she saw. And this time had been even worse. Even the small glimpse of two X5s ready to fight for her had been wreaking havoc on her autocontrol during the peak of her cycle. Nevermind that they were her brothers. Her heat hadn't wanted to even think about that. They were two males in perfect shape and wanting her.  
  
She had spent the last four days holed up in a motel room in a deserted area of the city. Thankfully she had been really fast in noticing and she had no problem in controlling herself until she was safely locked in.  
  
Usually she was good to go after three days, but this time she wanted to make sure her heat was totally over and there were no residual pheromones in the air when she went back, so she'd waited another day.  
  
Max left her bag in the floor by her bed and slumped on top of the covers. She was planning on sleeping for a day now that she could. It was always better not to sleep when she was in heat. Her dreams weren't a great help. And she didn't have to go back to work until the next day.  
  
She heard a noise and looked up to see Ben passing by her door on his way to the training building. He was lost in thought and hadn't realized she was back.  
  
"Hey, you ok?" She called after him and a second later his head appeared on her door again.  
  
"Maxie! You're back. How are you?" Ben asked glad to see her back and a little concerned for her, after all it was his first encounter with heat and he didn't know what to expect.  
  
"I'm fine. Back to normal, thank god!" She said smiling. She was still lying on the bed, her upper body leaning on her elbows. "You guys didn't do anything stupid, did you?"  
  
"What, like fight for you?" He said teasingly and she blushed.  
  
"Yeah, that." Max said self-deprecatingly. "I should've just called or something, I thought it was too soon and if I didn't get close you wouldn't even know. Silly me. But I had never been near an X5 while in heat, and ordinary guys can't smell me so..." She left the sentence hanging.  
  
"It's ok, Maxie. The moment you left our heads cleared and Zack explained what had happened."  
  
"He knew?" Max asked surprised, though if she thought about it she wouldn't have been. It was Zack, who had been watching over them all their lives and there were six of them affected by heat.  
  
"Yeah, he did." Ben said, not going into detail since Zack hadn't been really forthcoming about the whole thing and Max wouldn't let it pass like he had done. _She can be such a girl sometimes_, he thought.  
  
"So... you're going to the gym?" She changed the subject noticing his reluctance to say anything else.  
  
"Zack's waiting for me there." He said nodding.  
  
"Have a good session, I'm going to catch some shut-eye. I'll see you guys later, ok?" She said laying down and closing her eyes, not even bothering to get inside.  
  
"Sleep well, Maxie." Ben said and left.

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Max was still sleeping and Zack had gone to the city after their session to get some food, so Ben was 'alone' for the first time in a long while. He knew Zack wanted to show him that they trusted him to be on his own, that they weren't afraid he was going to lose it the moment he was out of sight.  
  
Ben laid down on the couch in the living room with Zack's book on his hands. He'd read it already and he'd been thinking about it quite a bit the last two days. Zack wanted him to draw something from it, and Ben thought he had. What Zack was trying to get him to understand was that our morals, ideals, values, and the basics of right and wrong come directly from our surroundings. If there is no civilization around us, we lose those values. But if, on top of that, you are encouraged on a daily basis to show the wildest part of yourself, there is no way to stop it. There was nothing wrong with him _per se_, he was the product of Manticore's twisted idea of a healthy environment.  
  
The fear of the unknown can be a powerful force, which can turn you to either insight or hysteria. Ben had spent his childhood making up stories to explain things they didn't understand. And his stories had gone to the limit with the Things he couldn't explain, the Things Manticore kept hidden in the basement. The Nomalies.  
  
The beast from the book, the Lord of the Flies, is in the souls and minds of the boys, it stands for the primal instinct of savagery that exists within all human beings. The boys are afraid of the beast, because it exists within each of them. It existed in all of them, too.  
  
He was supposed to have found some kind of balance once he got outside, but his own fear of the unknown hadn't let him do that. So he needed to do it now, and his siblings were there to help him succeed. He would be alright. Max could be his own personal Piggy, without the dying part of course.  
  
Ben smiled at the idea, and then he just smiled.

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**Epilogue**  
  
ONE MONTH LATER  
  
Ben pushed his bike a little bit further and passed Max in her Ninja, crossing into her path to avoid her answering move. He could hear her cuss him out and slow down almost imperceptibly so that they wouldn't crash. The next second she was already by her side, her hair flying wildly into the night, and a smile lighting up her face. Max revved up her baby and left Ben behind the exact moment they crossed the gate to their property, whooping excitedly to celebrate her victory and Ben couldn't help his laughter. Max was never more alive than when she rode her bike.  
  
They stepped off their rides and she pointed her finger at his chest. "You could have killed me with that last move, mister! What do you have to say for yourself?" Max said in feigned indignation.  
  
Ben put his most innocent face and stepped back a little. "I have no idea what you're talking about, Maxie."  
  
"Idiot." She said laughing.  
  
They walked their bikes to the garage and parked them beside Zack's. Ben saw the bag on the floor by the door and turned around looking for him.  
  
Zack was watching them from the door connecting the garage with the gym and he was smiling. "Good race?" He asked them.  
  
"The best, I so kicked his ass." Max told him.  
  
"You're leaving already?" Ben asked.  
  
"Yeah. We've been talking about it for days now, and I can't postpone it any longer. I have to swing by Zane's and then I'll check on Krit and Syl, it's been a while since I went all the way there to see them and I want to make sure everything's fine."  
  
Max walked up to him and hugged him. "You tell them I miss them all, and it's your fault that I can't go see them, you hear me?" She said and then she pulled back to look him in the eyes. "You'll be back soon, won't you?"  
  
"You know I will. I'd come even if just to check on you, but I've been thinking I might make this place my home base. I never really had somewhere I could call home, always from one of you to the next and looking for the unaccounted in the meantime. But I've got all of you now. And I'm thinking I can come stay here when I'm not with any of the rest. What do you say?"  
  
"Are you kidding? It'll be great!" Max exclaimed, totally pleased with the idea.  
  
"Yeah, you know it." Ben agreed. He was going to miss having Zack with them, but he knew he had to leave.  
  
"Now, be good. Don't go pulling any jobs like last week's," Zack looked meaningfully at Ben, "at least, not while I'm away. I don't want to miss all the fun." He said, winking at Max.  
  
She laughed and wondered if maybe this whole thing hadn't been as much for Zack as it had been for Ben. She had never seen Zack so relaxed and, dared she say it, happy before. Zack let her go and hugged Ben in that guy kinda way.  
  
"Keep an eye on her, ok? You know she's a wild one." Zack told Ben and jumped away laughing to avoid Max's punch.  
  
"I will." Ben said seriously. "See you soon, big bro."  
  
Zack took his bag and mounted on his bike, revving up the engine he gave a last look to his siblings and left.  
  
Ben walked up to Max and put an arm around her waist. "So what are you making for dinner?" He said on their way to the house.  
  
"You wish, pal. It's your turn to cook. You lost, remember?" She said and Ben rolled his eyes.  
  
Fin

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Well, that's the end. I want to thank all of you guys who took the time to review, especially northernmoon (you're the best, girl, thank you so much for your words), and I hope you had a good time reading this story. I know I did writing it. Ben is such an amazing character, I always thought they could have done so much more with him.

I guess this is it... oh yeah, please review!


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